First Impressions NOT always lasting

I have always been guided by my first impressions because they have normally been on the money.  In my personal life that is the case - I didn't always follow my own instincts, but in the end was always right.    Unfortunately there are times when people just let you down - and that has nothing to do with first impressions.  Maybe it just has to do with people not living up to your expectations.    Sometimes you need to lower your expectations! 


In business I've found that's the case.  Not everyone has the same work ethic as you do so it's not fair to judge everyone by the same "yardstick" so to speak (or should I say light meter?)?    I think we find after working with people (co-workers, customers) that that yardstick has gotten much shorter for the most part and it's much easier to get along. 


Of course there are those FEW that will continue to be assholes - but they are the exception to the rule.

CLOSURE

It's a new year. Hell - it's BEEN a new year hasn't it? I've been trying to put the past year behind, but here it is another new year and the same crap boggles my mind - keeps me awake when I can't sleep. I woke the other night and started thinking about the same old story that haunted me last year. Not just me - everyone it touched at work and beyond. So, I am going to excise my demons - put it right out here.......so here is an open letter I wrote to the person back in July 2009 but never sent. Maybe if it is in the open it will go away and people won't think we are demons for what we did and how we treated people..........

An open letter *****

It’s after midnight again and I’m not able to sleep. Tonight I got a call from your Mother asking me what is going on. Why should I have to explain to her what is going on with you? You did not care to return any phone calls or e-mail so what’s to tell. Let me tell you what I did tell her………….I started with the story I was told and what I came to find out…..

10:45 AM……Driving thru (fast food chain) on that fateful morning you have pains – go into the store – there is blood – go back to the car and drive yourself to the hospital across the street. No time to think – I guess you parked the car and walked into the ER. In the ER you deliver vaginally full term baby. It’s never explained to me (or anyone that can remember) exactly what happened – born dead? Born alive and died? You get to hold the baby, name the baby – fill out all the necessary paperwork. Talk to a grief counselor and tell them you cannot stay at the hospital and will go home. They give you instructions on what to look for (????) and off you go. Wait outside on a park bench for EX (I guess you had the sense to bring in a change of clothes on your trip to the fast food place that morning) 3PM – that’s the time he said he got you on the bench and took you to his place to wait for another family member to pick you up. (maybe it was 4PM - we'll give you another hour)

Your Mother tells the story this way except **** picked you up at the hospital and brought you home – I guess that was around 6:30PM or 7PM and advises all of the above except the baby was born with the cord around his neck and a feint heartbeat. Your Mother advises that you are having the baby cremated. – She is under the impression it was done already. (Father was told it was done already, yet you told others it hadn't been done yet AND that the hospital was taking care of it)

I told your Mother that it’s not possible for all that to have happened and be home at 3. I asked her where the picture of the baby was. The baby’s bracelet, hat, certificate with hand and footprints? I told her that *** got all that when she lost her baby at 5 months. Surely they did that for full term?

I pointed out that you got around quite well 24 hours later for someone losing so much blood – no dizzy spells – sitting on your feet – up and down without any visible discomfort. How about that?? (been a long time since I had a baby, but it's a discomfort I remember well)

I told your Mother how you stopped returning anyone’s calls – so we all stopped trying. But that didn't stop the questions.

I told your Mother how SECRET the whole pregnancy was at first. Only a need to know and only a few at a time. For so happy an occasion it was treated like a spy mission. I mentioned that there were NO ultrasounds being shown to everyone and the only one was a Photoshop ultrasound with no name or date or doctors name on it – just a part of an ultrasound that could have been anyone’s. Your Mother never saw an ultrasound either. You know what she said? She said MAYBE SHE WAS NEVER PREGNANT. Of course we can’t believe your Mother now can we? She’s a drunk and a crazy woman and she never accepted the whole thing anyway because she didn’t like the baby daddy.

We talked about how baby daddy announced to everyone at the shower how this baby was planned with love – as opposed to the “accident” you told everyone in work that it was. I told her I got the impression from him at the shower that this baby was all about him and there isn’t ANY WAY I would believe he would not have been down here even if it was to get his sons remains. I told her I think he knows more than we ever will. And your Mother said – MAYBE SHE WAS NEVER PREGNANT (FOR THE SECOND TIME)

You Mother pointed out that all the shower stuff is still in the front rooms. NOTHING had been done to get the room ready for her “son”. This most wanted child. It was still a computer room that fateful morning. Gifts still sit in boxes and bags.

AND SPEAKING OF THAT MORNING……let’s back up to the prior day when we took you home after you got so violently ill at work. You said your Mother was upstairs getting ready and was taking you to the Doctors. YOUR MOTHER DIDN’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT. SHE NEVER TOOK YOU TO THE DOCTORS – AT ANY TIME DURING YOUR PREGNANCY INCLUDING YOUR EMERGENCY ROOM VISIT FOR YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE

That morning your Mother asked if you were going to the Doctors and you said yes AND you TOOK THE DAY OFF FROM WORK. She didn’t know you were officially on Maternity leave as of the day before.

Your Mother is as confused and full of questions as everyone at work. I made no secret of the fact that I’ve had it and can no longer be party to this farce.

Your Mother said that your Family doctor is treating you for anxiety and depression. I believe that is probably true – your are depressed because baby daddy found out you were never pregnant or lost the baby early on and he dumped your ass. You are suffering from anxiety because you dug this hole and don’t know how to get out so you will act indignant and try to make everyone feel bad for doubting you. I told your Mother that she could have cleared everything up with discharge papers from the hospital and a note from the treating physician at the hospital – and if she really WAS seeing a therapist and not some online friend in a chat room she could have gotten a back up note from them as well. NO ONE WOULD HAVE DOUBTED THAT.

I told your Mother how you have changed I told her I didn’t like the person you became over the last two years. I don’t know who you are. You told me early on in your "pregnancy" that you were sure that you would not have a job after the baby was born. I said that was insane. Little did I realize you probably had it all planned out then.

At some point I’ll get over all this bullshit and be able to sleep, but in the meantime I’ll sit and wonder into the night what could possibly make a person do what you did and not think they had to pay?

I gave you every opportunity to say you lost the baby early on - that you had a breakdown - that you didn't know what to do - we all could have accepted and forgiven something so tragic. The person you are now is a deceitful, and manipulative and I think you are now looking for a way to punish everyone for not believing your lies.

I hope you can’t sleep at night.

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The upside is I have not been alone with my doubts. Even the father of the child has his doubts. I do know that everyone who was touched by this incident looked into the possibility that we could be wrong. Nothing was ever done to clarify any of it. It was confirmed that no hospital would deliver anyone in an emergency room. It was confirmed that there would be a birth/death certificate - none of which is on record. It was confirmed that there was no record of this person in any hospital on that given day.

And yes - she can sleep at night - quite well - as I hear she is engaged to be married to the father of an old friend.